life and things

Some days it feels like the pain is gone. Some days it just won't go away What to do. .. No idea. Hurting so bad. Really difficult to get over being lied to *

Wow! I feel relieved. I just typed a long email to C And I have opened up about everything. Now he knows I know.. And I was so sweet about it because that's how I really feel. You know.... Wow. I am so much better. It doesn't pay to just mull around and keep things inside. Somehow a heavy load has been lifted from my head. I am so relieved. And we have just had an hour long talk. Conclusion- this relationship was jazzed somewhere along the line. Another one down. That's the end. In my mind now he's taken and that's it. I said so many things. But at least I also got answers. Somehow he just lost it. And it's fine like that. To cupid I dash you your man. Have him,enjoy him. Love him,do whatever you please with him. How could we have been so happy with each other and then suddenly everything I do is wrong I'm sad a bit You know why ? I still love him. Imagine this! I don't know what I'm missing right now .. Is it the ne...

Somehow somewhere We are just waiting for that time The ultimate time. *

My memories of the times I spent with you leave me soft and moist and happy that sometime in my life I got to experience what bliss feels like. What it means to wake up beside someone you love. To be with someone who understood you completely and whom you knew eevry inch of. I can never forget the times we sat talking. Hours on end. Gisting.laughing.pouring our hearts out while I talked to no end. I loved every second of my life with you. Forever may never be ours. Ive given up on us already. Inside I know.. u r irreplaceable. Maybe I'll marry someone I feel as deeply for. But the truth is that I gave my soul. I may never get it back. Yes.  It belongs to God. But where humans are concerned u have a good part of me. I love you although sometimes it feels like I dont. Deep down inside I know thia transcends love. If there ia anything deeper. You are it. Yea you. You. You know yourself. My button eyes. The one who has defied all nicknames. Y...

Looking around for support and wishing you weren't ao far away. I need to talk to you and I wish today was your call day. I pray for you and I know God is keeping you. I really want to say to you all that is on my mind and the fear I feel. I dont feel like writing these exams. I am at the lowest ive been in a long time. Im probably approaching clinical depresion because its getting harder to fjnd the things that will makw me happy or smile. I have no eeason to be joyful. I have to keep living and acting like I really care about being alive and going through the motions How many times can a man be broken and rise again I just want to go on vacation Somewhere far away where I can think about my life and everything. No activity A beach. Something. Just lay. Think Do nothing. Watch people live Get it done with. I miss you fbi. Come back soon and be a fixermeupper *

Breakfast - 2 slices of bread stuffed with sardine fish mashed into a paste with flavoured margarine,low fat and one boiled egg and water Lunch/snack- m and m small pack and water - this was the cheat for which I had no lunch. Dinner- rice one serving spoon ,turkey and one cow skin with beans. Taken green tea and hoodia caps. Energy still low Recovering from malaria. Working it up slowly xoxo

The truth being that I just can't deal with life anymore I don't have zeal,drive,nothing The only person who can talk me out of this is away in the field and really I don't know if he still enjoys un burdening I'm going through a lot physically and otherwise in my head and it's a difficult time for me. I've alienated myself from my colleagues,I'm trapped inside myself. I don't think I can go on. I just want to lie In bed all day. I'm sad. I don't believe God sometimes. Everyday I ask for a sign that he's speaking to me. No fighting spirit left The me here and the me who tweets are different. This is the broken me. Soon as I leave here I put on a cloak. Now I understand how simone battle was able to appear functional when she was dying inside. Do you call this a cry for help ? I don't think so. I thnk what it is is far worse My thyroid is ruining my life This is my active conclusion. xoxo

I'm not ready At all I wish I could care but I don't. I'm reading but somehow inside me it's like I won't pass or I don't deserve to I'm broken inside completely Something has given way inside me and I don't enjoy life anymore Sometimes I'm motivated like earlier today I wanted to lose weight and do something good for myself Other times I just want to lie down and mope My thyroid is getting bigger I think I'm going to ask for tft's done I'm worried It's impacting on my energy levels and everything I need to do a detox too I'm getting weaker by the day. Too damn sad to do anything. This isn't about being heartbroken. I was but not anymore I can't be mooning over someone I likely won't even take back if it came to that. I mean, someone smokes,drinks and isn't as spiritual as I'd like. Catholic Igbo Same things he cited as being the reasons why we were breaking up. Not going again. One e...

I went to work. I ate about half a cup of peanuts 350mls of pepsi - the pepsi was a cheat just for today. I had pills to take and I don't take pills with water! I never ever take pills with water. It doesn't happen. I also do not drink water. It's bad but I hate water. Anything else but water please! Came home and ate One unripe plantain. Chicken Fish Veggies. Nutri C drink -low calorie. I used the nutri -c to drink 500mg green tea and 25mg hoodia. I'm in bed reading right now. xoxo

This is not about c His chapter has long closed I'm done whinning about all that until I remember something else. This is about a lot of other stuff This is about how I feel sad about my weight I don't feel like I can operate optimally at ths weight I feel weighed down. Fat! At 55kg A fat neck,protruding thyroid too. I am hypothyroid That's why I'm always depressed with a sore throat every few months That's why I sleep a lot and have gained abdominal fat. I've been online and searched for natural remedies. I haven't really seen anything conclusive I think what I'm going to do is go in on my vitamins,try to lose some weight and see if my metabolism will pick up. I noticed it's running a bit slow now. Plus I need to do some detox. I'm going off milo and milky stuff for a while. Perhaps non dairy creamer will be what I'll use and then subs with hotcholocate ..plain low calorie chocolate About time I also started making my own...

How do you feel when someone lied to you from the beginning of a relationship until the end ? Manipulated you even. Played games with you. Gave you the food his girlfriend cooked which by the way I never ate .. Funny yeah. How that saturday before we went to church together he didn't call me for a second. Then on sunday he shows up and we go to church and return home to a pot of stew and already cooked rice. I should have asked myself how efficient one guy could be. Luckily I had my bands in. Seperators. I could barely chew and I didn't eat much. I never ate anything else in that house in all the 5months we were together. I mean, something was always going on in my mouth or I had eaten outside before we got home. On two occasions we ate out. This particular time, I got to the airport and almost missed my flight. Almost at the aircraft door someone who knew I was coming suddenly said he had to go for service with his brother and family because 11am service was the only service t...

Let me tell you a thing or two about how medicine runs your life .. You have exams in 6months. You begin to delay your life You can't make clothes, you can't travel, you can do nothing until the exams are over. You read and read but your confidence is never above 50% If as a doctor you don't have a relationship with God through medical school,it may be difficult to ever come to love him. Many scaled through by grace or kept repeating classes. There is no carryover in medicine. You fail, you resit You fail resit You repeat class You fail repeat You resit You fail repeat resit You go home! No more school. You don't do semesters. You do years So you only go home when you have passed an exam. It was always a dread. As a PG med student It's worse. There's so much pressure to perform You have to live life, deal with heartbreak, find a balance between work,study and other activities and still manage to look like you care what's happening in t...

I'm a month older today by the way. xoxo

God I just need grace You know I can't do this on my own I just need some help from you dear Jesus! Help me. I am a wreck as of today. I haven't done anything useful. My day was wasted. It appears I blog a lot but the truth is I really have no one to unburden to In the world today,nobody really wants to hear you. xoxo

Broken In need of mending Getting over the hurt Picking my pieces together. So slow Taking so long Of moments,lost forever Lost in time Thoughts Of deceit No gain All pain Slipping from the hold A piece of shattered heart Nerve fibres broken All it will be Healing So long Of moments,lost forever. xoxo

My heart is bursting with emotion. Somehow the pain is easing off and I'm finding myself again. I'm asking the usual questions Speaking with the holy spirit Saying to myself Baby, what are your dreams ? Dare to dream Because c had a dream it came true for her. My dream was once to be married to a fantastic man. To be pregnant and barefooted in his kitchen. I gave him my heart, my body, my soul. But he said he didn't want my tribe He rejected me. My dream before then was to be married to another guy, a wonderful person. My first soulmate whom I now am indifferent to. xoxo

I'm so happy for these two. I can't imagine the level of intimacy two people would share so much they would travel for a vacation together before they are married Don't get me wrong but I won't be checking into countless hotels with a man who hasn't legalised me. This aint about me though. As the stalker that I am, I went on facebook and whoo! The status made me go awww- Living beyond my dreams and a picture by the bay holding railings face up to the sun smiling. A happy woman in love ! I actually hate c for leaving her to come date me and causing me so much pain. Someone who loves you that much ? Aww, shuks no! My idea of a vacation won't be holding a railing somewhere though although I'll do that. I'm all for pristine beaches and dainty feminine deals and stuff. I love travel but I sincerely can't afford it now neither will I know where to go. He lived in italy abi where for months so he def knows where to take her. She's happy and that's w...

Sometimes it hurts Other times You just take it all in stride and walk on. Yes, for the past to days I was beside myself in pain. I thought of everything from the beginning Cupid's clothes in his house Spread everywhere Hairnet Underwear Nightwear House shorts Entwined with his clothes I had to ask myself why c would lie to me. This was in January. Six weeks after we started dating She was back in his life. Those things weren't there the first time I visited. What amazes me is that even when he came back from dubai,usa. Her things were in his house still. Every second I was gone,she was there. It hurts me to no end. And I may never recover from it I can recover from someone not loving me anymore because they are human. I can't recover from lies and deceit How do I look him in the face ever again ? This is why I didn't go to their office that last lagos trip. I saw his car and I said to myself I'd rather not go to south africa than see him. So I told the cab to pass....

Have you ever been heartbroken ? I doubt. You'll spend days,months going over every little detail of the days when you were supposed to be happy. Analysing everysecond thing , every thought .. You cry at the slightest provocation. You can't do anything Right now I feel like I've lost the will to live. I can't read for my exams. Of course you'll say I'm foolish. But I can't I can't will myself to do anythhing else I'm typing posts about heartbreak all day. It's crazy. I know I'll get over it I keep imagining them on vacation together and cursing the day when I found that facebook page. I know someday I'm going to get over it. People are just so wicked. With her firmly entrenched in his life he took me in and used me for a spin. I am beyond broken There has to be a level after broken Like a wrench driven through you. It hurts so much you feel the physical pain. xoxo

So some drama ensued on sunday morning I was in my corner trying to move on with my life when it all came to me. Rushing like a wave of discoveries. I had been dating someone who was still actively involved with his ex girlfriend. Infact I don't know if I was the other chic or the real chic. Her clothes were in his house and he claimed them to be for his sister. I even washed her negligee the last time I was there. Maybe he liked me or something But I simply can't understand what I was doing there while she was still in his life. I try to imagine that's probably how it felt for FBI's second to the last girlfriend. But I wasn't even in the picture I let him do his thing and I didn't even show up until it was over. Yes, I know I've always been in the horizon but not in such a way as to destroy another woman's happiness. I don't know what parents seriously allow their child to travel alone with a man who hasn't married her. What if they go to some c...