Months later after april, I'm still crying and despite asking God to heal my heart I'm still hurting.
Don't delete this email even if you're upset.
It's my form of closure and if you've got anything to say, let me know.
You may not though. I think you already 'walked away' so you've probably dealt with everything before now.
I was really upset with you yesterday.
It seems everything we were before your inability to forgive, u have completely forgotten.
The things that endeared you to me and the times we shared before you decided that one christmas trip would be the end of us.
I still remember how upset you were and how you changed after then.
I still remember how you stressed yourself looking for network to talk to me when you were in owerri.
After then, everything just seemed set up to fail.
You didn't give us a chance after then.
All the issues you raised aren't enough to walk away from someone you really want to be with.
You pushed me to the very edge with insensitivity.
Saying things I can never forget was bad enough but not even having a little bit of respect enough to break up with me in a civil manner.
You just upped and walked away without as much reference to how I would feel.
Here I am on your birthday still looking for a way to send cupcakes to you.
Just because that's me. That's how much I cared about you.
I am so hurt it will take me a while to come to terms with all you said to me.
I kept thinking that even if we had reached the end you would 'man up' using your own terms as you said to me the day I kept you waiting for me at home and you would say it was over.
Telling me we aren't working could mean you will either work on us or end it and you said you were thinking if you could cope.
A week later, I am still chasing you
The next thing you tell me is that you walked away.
Like I am so inconsequential that you could just walk away without saying a word and still smile at me ?
I can't begin to say the ideas I had in my head. I started to imagine the level to which I had sunk in your mind that I didn't even deserve a proper goodbye.
I couldn't even continue that conversation.
And I am apologising for deleting bbm after I said goodbye.
I've deleted people before and they deleted me and we are still buddies today.
It's life, it hurts and I know it was hurtful of me to do that.
There really wasn't much else I could do in the circumstances.
You've always laughed at how I handle issues.
Delete BBm and delete whatsapp
It's better than holding a pity party and emails appear less tacky than long messages.
Unfortunately when things end I don't want to keep being in an ex's life and seeing them everywhere or being plagued by memories of them.
It helps me to move on albeit from a relationship I thought would be my last.
You had come to distrust me so much I'm thinking maybe it's for good in the end.
I don't know I would have worked to undo the damage which you strongly believe I thought through and carried out actions on.
Maybe you've got someone you can move on to and you're already smiling.
I haven't.
It's going to be a period of stock taking for me.
I have never been one to use strong words .
I abhor the use of strong language and it's amazing how I took a lot of strong things you said and never broke down until april 3rd.
You told me you were vindictive but I never knew how bad it could be.
I see this as some sort of payback for things you think I did knowledgeably and you feel I deserve. ' By living with my decisions'
You've never wanted to iron out anything but would rather leave them simmering in your heart and boiling over.
I can begin to imagine what you thought of me by the time you decided you weren't doing us anymore.
One thing is for sure, when a relationship ends both parties lose what they had.
Somewhere inside you I guess you cared about me.
Somewhere there you will miss me.
Someday one night, you will remember me if you don't now,because that's life.
We push the memories away but they have already been formed.
Try to remember the nice things.
Much as I only remember a lot of unhappy things now. The lovely memories give the worst feeling.
None of it is of our boring sex routine by the way.
It's amazing how the sex is now the least thing I miss I guess because the moment I realised it was boring to you everything took on a different meaning.
It's not often you find someone you can't keep your hands off but I guess some are luckier than others and that's not what makes a great relationship.
And it's not about who moves on fast but who lives with pain.
Who cries at night and who is broken.
I opened up to you about things I have never told anyone on earth and I told you the reasons why I did so.
Nothing I can say will change your mind and I'm not doing this because that's my desired result.
If we end it's because we have ended.
And like I told you in ibadan, I cared about you enough but not enough for both of us.
Somewhere out there you'll find someone who isn't phoney like me. With whom sex will always be interesting and for whom your thoughts and emotions won't diminish.
You'll find someone whose family doesn't care about her perhaps enough to say she shouldn't travel when there is unrest or whose parents will let her go to enugu on a whim to the wedding of a friend they never heard about.
Somewhere out there is someone who never changes her mind.
Who will be a catholic so she won't have to go to pentecostal church on weekdays as your grouse with my said inconsistency stemmed from that.
Somewhere out there you'll find someone who isn't phoney like me. With whom sex will always be interesting and for whom your thoughts and emotions won't diminish.
You'll find someone whose family doesn't care about her perhaps enough to say she shouldn't travel when there is unrest or whose parents will let her go to enugu on a whim to the wedding of a friend they never heard about.
Somewhere out there is someone who never changes her mind.
Who will be a catholic so she won't have to go to pentecostal church on weekdays as your grouse with my said inconsistency stemmed from that.
Someone whom you won't find faults with every other action she makes.
I don't think I would have loved to be with a man who had stopped loving me ..if you ever did.
And for that I happily let you go.
Somewhere out there is someone who will tolerate cupid's calls 3x daily to go and from her just like I did and who won't cry when you tell her you make an effort not to miss her but still open her arms for you and hug you.
Somewhere out there is someone who will enjoy your late night chats with someone else.
Life is about forgiveness but love cant be forced.
I feel bad when I remember the cake mix in your kitchen cabinet up there out of sight.
I thought you were going to make me a birthday cake.
I was so sad that morning I couldn't see you.
I put my head down in the airport and cried into my clothes.
I kept thinking you would show up.
But you chose to blame me for everything yet again.
Nothing I could do would ever make you see differently.
No cab, no means of transportation.you slept off without helping me find a solution and despite calling you that morning you could only get upset with me for finding a way to get to the airport.
What could I have done.
When you picked my call you didn't even sound like you were ready to work through the situation with me.
Because I'm not in your circle of trust my birthday didn't really matter because you had an emergency.
As far as birthdays go, it was the worst in years if not for my family.
I have my own parts in this.
And I know what I did.
I took the things you gave me without complaining.
The unfair statements, the heart wrenching talk.
Maybe I didn't understand you.
Maybe I wanted you to be open and communicative.
I stared glazed eyed at you.
I liked you too much for comfort.
Yes, that's my role.
I missed you.
No reply
I like you
Wry smile
And yet I was still sitting there.
I've been writing epistles all day.
Letters to L
Letters to the s convos
Thinking of where to share my grief.
And I came to the conclusion that it's best shared with the person I've been sharing everything with for the past 5months.
You.
My mum is asking about you.
I guess that's the way the elders roll.
I told her a few things and I guess I'll think of what to tell the other elders next month when they ask me why my friend hasn't come to gist with me outside the house.
I'll feel bad missing you but I am comfortable in my humanity and my weakness.
Eventually it will stop hurting.
Lagos will never be the same place for me again but life they say, must go on.
It's a long epistle.. You can read it slowly.
xoxo
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