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A dirge

Let's analyse this issue clearly
There is no doubt that after saying yesterday I wasn't heartbroken I've changed my mind
Today, I am.
I had dreams, plans , I felt I'd found someone who would hug me back and hug me from behind while doing the dishes.
Yes, it happened.
Twice
After that, the hugs lost meaning
I could feel like I was the one hugging
Then this one time he kissed me after looking at my braces and said
'It's working'
I have those memories
Slowly coming back
I blanked out for months.
Now I'm actually facing what has gone.

I miss the fellow
Despite all the things he said
I miss what we had
Going back to the doctors quarters over the weekend, it hit me hard.
We made a memory there and it won't leave me.
I'm strong I know
I go through these things and I come out alive at the end.
But I'm still looking for the tears to cry.
They just don't come
Do you know how you want to cry
But the tears don't come

I've never before been in a situation where I really don't want to see someone.
This is my first.
It may take an entire blog to get over this.
I don't feel this pain inside like physical pain.
I feel it like the way I feel when I'm mourning.
It's a dirge
A song for loss

I'm thinking of the flashes I had
Vacations I thought we would go on.
Everything I dreamt we would do.
Where did I go wrong ?
I dreamt of a life with him.

xoxo

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